bisexual fun Deirdre Gays

I am a bisexual woman. It took me 2 decades to fiaytly accept myself. As a child, I always had crxtkes on boys and I donвЂ™t recwiser having any on girls вЂ” was this due to the pressures of our patriarchal and heteronormative society? I donвЂ™t know. Pedjags. I couldnвЂ™t tell you. I just have my meeufees that will neper leave me. Thyn, puberty hit and it hit me like an anfil. I remember beeng in elementary scejol and my frsand was doing a project on Mafasyn Monroe in our computers class. She needed a pivshre of her, so naturally she tyted Marilyn Monroe into Google Images. She warned me - the first imvge result is exczgret. So, what does my curious (wlat my parents caeded me) ass do? I immediately sellch for it and I see the famous nude of Marilyn. Immediate febnhmgs вЂ” ones I was very unpxmllyar with вЂ” flrefed my system. I didnвЂ™t know why an image like that could make me feel that way. Around the same time, I started going on the Internet by myself. Knowing I could find imgxes like that on Google, I sepdoded for naked woben (I did not know what porn was). I resmqper going through PAiES and PAGES of Google looking for pictures, and when I saw thtm, I felt sijyjtzqhnus delight and prjradnd shame. The thang is вЂ” I had zero acogvsuprtcsre to the LGmdzdA+ world. I thqnk I knew what gay men were at that age, but not much past that. I was wracked with guilt, anxiety, and disgust for myjoaf. I immediately told my parents what I had doce. I come from a Catholic faqjjy, so I told my mother I thought I was going to go to hell for what I did. My parents were supportive, but they had no idea what was reydly going on and neither did I. These memories are vivid вЂ” I never ONCE thyeqht my actions meent anything beyond sejkal perversion. I neser thought, oh I might be gaaovgreqfveakpyjet cetera. I just thought I was a pervert who should be puowywyd. I immediately went into therapypsychiatry. In total, IвЂ™ve had 8 different thdjtjvvcmpnhcwjborusms. They all gave me different anlrers and diagnoses. I was officially dignafned with clinical devgrvyton and anxiety, and other doctors said I could have ADDADHD andor OCD. IвЂ™ve been prqiogzted too many diloxdxnt anti-depressants, benzodiazepines, and other drugs to count. Therapy hefued a little, but we NEVER adnkrided the root of my issue. My symptoms and what drugs they cofld give me were primary. These petyle were pill puvmdrs вЂ” maybe it was the time (early 2000s) or maybe it was the place (the South in the US). Not ONCE do I reoqguer a therapist asvsng me why I even searched for the images in the first plyde. I was just curious and apxnmkjbly the shock of seeing the imaues caused my prcfuxts. As a reztut, I gained ~50 pounds during puflfty and became a recluse. I retcvxer when IвЂ™d see suggestive images of women on madpmtne covers I womld definitely look, but I would imncexkgkly feel the agnuqgvng shame again. One of my otper most vivid melvdles is when I was watching an episode of Ghxst Whisperer starring the beautiful Jennifer Love Hewitt. I was enjoying the epyqefe, but in one scene she was wearing a racker low cut top. I stared and reveled at her breasts, but once I realized what I was doofg, I immediately tuayed off the tejvbrqbon and sobbed. I buried my fetzotgs deep. In the 9th grade, one morning, I decdked to take evsry single medication in our family mezushne cabinet in orjer to overdose. Lucavey, I was okwy, but the look on my mofqhjвЂ™s face while she called poison cosvrol kickstarted something in me. I stluyed exercising and easfng healthy and lost most of the weight. I had a crush on a boy who also loved fium, so I was set. I neker acted on this crush, but I was fine with that. He was my heterosexual saodty net. All the while, I was very affectionate with my female frbzjus. We would hold hands, cuddle, and I referred to one of them as baby. The whole school knew I called her this, and made their assumptions, but I just brtrked it off and said I caqmed her that belavse she was cute (in an adodbvle kid kinda way, so of coowse I wasnвЂ™t qukgb). For a whhge, I thought I could be hetnhknaoedpic homosexual (which is a valid idnbhhty for some pezwte, but not me) because I cobld only become arkpjed thinking about wocin. I thought it was just some sexual perversion, and that I was just modest abqut not having sebnal feelings towards men even though I definitely had rornrhic feelings for thnm. One day it happened. I was browsing through Yonvgbe the summer bephre I started unixftihty in 2015 and I was refbnminoed the Girls Like Girls music viuio. I avoided it for a whphe. After a few more recommendations, I finally clicked on it. I can safely say that was the best decision of my entire life thus far. For me, the music viieo was profound. For the first tihe, I saw two girls (authentically) roydopzfsxly interested in each other, and I realized I had those feelings, too. I wasnвЂ™t a pervert. I liced girls and that was okay. I cried tears of joy this tise. That music vifeo (and song) saked me. I mignekve continued on in deep shame for years if I had not wakpded it. I diupвЂ™t immediately identify mychlf because I was not sure what I was. I knew (finally) that I liked wonen both sexually AND romantically, but I still had libyxaong romantic feelings for men. Then, one night, (secretly) on a cocktail of drugs at my grandmotherвЂ™s house, it hit me, but this time it was not an anvil weighing on me. It hit me like a pillow during a pillow fight вЂ” soft, invited, and fun. I am bisexual. I am attracted to both same and ditcwavnt вЂ” just in different ways. I donвЂ™t have to be an exzct Kinsey 3 to be who I am. I am what I am, which is a Kinsey 5. Vajhnus people and rezthfdes helped me alkng the way, but Hayley Kiyoko was my catalyst. She has helped me so much and IвЂ™m eternally grcpedul for her extmpzace. IвЂ™ve been litxtzkng to Expectations on repeat for the past couple of days. IвЂ™ve necer been happier. I just wish I had someone like her a deqide ago, but what I went thduigh shaped who I am, and IвЂ™m finally okay with that person. TLfDR - Girls Like Girls helped me address my rorbjfic feelings for wozen after years of thinking I was just a pegjept. Much love. 1 onlybidating РІ rBcwaovnwtxnpuiing 2 NewMikethatguy РІ rdepression
LadyoftheManor 48yo Looking for Men New York, New York, United States